Undiagnosed adhd causes problems people don't don't talk about enough.... Oh yeah they talk about how it affects productivity and sometimes they talk about emotionally how it affects people but they don't really talk about how it can cause problems with memory, how it can get you labeled as things you're not. How it can harm you from the time you're little because people just don't understand. How it can make lazy and selfish trigger words for anxiety that people just will not understand.
Undiagnosed adhd as a kid for me sucked so much. I was told "you have a race car brain in a beetle body" and that? Actually fuck that. My engine is super smart but I'm incapable of showing or using it. That's what they were telling me.
Essentially I'm just lazy.
An acknowledgement that I'm not stupid but a reminder than I'm too lazy to use my brain.
You can get diagnosed with "lazy" really quickly if you're not hyperactive (though it happens to hyperactive people too) when you have adhd.
"if only she applied herself more"
"if only she was motivated"
"she's not a trouble maker but she's just so unmotivated and distracted".
"She's not failing but she's not gifted because she's just not motivated to do all her work."
No, I was unfocused in a hyper-distracting room with a shit ton of kids making noise in a fast-paced day to day of exceptionally boring work. I lived in my head because outside stimuli was so overwhelming and noises were always so loud how could I hear people?
The only reason I got work done in school was because I could draw on my papers and that eased the frustrated lack of dopamine when completing tasks. It was the only motivator my brain found acceptible.
And that kind of talk really carries with you until it morphs into mingling with rejection sensitivity and turning also into a sense of "I'm never doing enough" anxiety so even on your freetime you have flashes of "shit what am I forgetting what did I do wrong what am I not doing fast enough" and since you are incapable of being this mystical superhuman everyone around you somehow seems to think you should be you just... stew in it.
"Why can't you be like so and so?" Oof that one happened a lot from every adult around me.
And the rejection sensitivity? Pretty sure that comes from adults around you constantly telling you that you've let them down, that you're just not up to par, that you're capable but willingly not doing it. That you're selfish and therefore asking for anything just proves that point. A desperation to be accepted even though you're always told if you just "apply yourself more" if you just "try harder" you'll be enough. You'll be accepted. You'll be loved without conditions.
And having memory problems on top of that? Talk about an unintentional gaslight dartboard. "Selfish" becomes a dirty word and a label entirely out of your control. If you can't remember then you must be lying.
"You didn't remember this because you don't care" I do care, I can't help it- "Maybe if you listened better!" I do listen, I can't recall it, it's not my fault- "Everyone else remembers, why can't you?"
Everyone else listened but nobody seemed to hear me.
"You did a, b and c on purpose." But I didn't remember doing it- I wouldn't do it on purpose but what if I did? I can't remember.
A sibling lies and says I did something naughty, but I can't remember if I did it so my excuses fall flat. What was I doing at this specific time? I don't know. Where was I when it happened? I don't know. So obviously I get blamed. That happened so much I used to just take the blame for my siblings even if i knew they did it.
You get known as the "naughty one" so it tracks that I'd get punished for it even if I didn't do it.
I STILL have a knee-jerk apology on my tongue I have to stifle when people call me lazy. I know I'm not lazy and its still ingrained to apologize for it. I still have to forcefully stop myself from being emotinally devastated when I let someone down. ~Selfish~ plays in my head like a stupid mantra.
You can spend so long crafting your personality to being less intrusive, less needy, more helpful, more accepting, more kind, more affectionate because how else will you be accepted, that you forget how to have needs. But you've finally proved you're worth it because all you you now is give. Nobody can call you selfish if you're only ever giving to other people. And it's nice to help! It feels good! But if you can't help are you really trying?
People think I'm not the smartest. I'm often mistaken as stupid because I'm bubbly and they're so shocked when I say something smart. But that's kind of what I get isn't it?
I'm kind because I know what hurt feels like. Im openly loving because I know what rejection feels like. I'm gentle when people mess up because I know it's what I wish I had had. I listen attentively as I can manage because if I'm not super focused qnd trying at 115% then I'm not listening. I write it down so i don't forget halfway through conversations.
They don't talk about lazy and selfish enough when talking about undiagnosed adhd.
No amount of relief from getting diagnosed as an adult can lessen the deep and vulnerable hurt of the realization that all this time there was something actually wrong and instead of even for a moment wondering if that was the case, everyone around you decided that lazy and selfish were easier because they only saw how it was affecting them.
Who were the selfish ones?
Who were too lazy to think that a child wasn't doing this on purpose to make their lives harder?
What a bitter irony.
Don't comment if all you have to say is how much a person with adhd burdens you as a nautorypical. I don't fucking care.
You don't get to go through life mentally fine and decide my suffering is a burden for you.
I'm so tired of hearing how hard it is having to deal with my adhd. How it's so mentally taxing to do all the thinking for me. How it's it's hard to deal with.
Fuck you and the ableist horse you ride in on.
I'm not here to make your life easier. I already don't ask for much from anyone. So neurotypicals can reblog but please don't comment unless it's for support. I'm tired of apologizing for existing.
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